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15 March 2007 @ 12:29 am
what's better? a lie that draws a smile? or the truth that draws a tear?  
Walking into the abandoned storage facility, Sydney smeared already fallen tears across her face. She hadn't slept at all the night before, her night being filled with endless tears and punches thrown against her pillow.

A weak smile was cast as she approached Vaughn; no words could possibly explain or cover how she was feeling or what she even wanted to say to him. Nothing at all.

Beginning to cry once again, she immediately tried stopping, although it didn't work too well. Covering her face with her hands, she just stood there, a total mess.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Vaughn. I shouldn't be the one crying." She tried to manage the words, but all that came out were drowned sobs.

She couldn't even think. Betrayal. That was the only thing she felt right now. Her mother. Her perfect, good hearted, innocent school teacher mother.. was a murderer. A KGB agent who killed Vaughn's father. Those thoughts were almost too hard for her to hold onto, her cries winning over them once again. Nothing she had believed of her was real. Nothing at all. Her life was an 'assignment' she was to complete, to fabricate a marriage together with a CIA agent. To have a child.

Was that planned too? Was she just some means to an end?

She didn't know, and honestly, she never wanted to find out. Sometimes believing a lie is better than knowing the truth.

After several minutes of silence, finally, she tried her hardest to speak.

"There's this woman, her personality like a collage I've put tlogether from the photographs, the few memories I have, scraps of stories I've heard, the clothes of hers I've got... her books. And none of it's real. She wasn't that woman at all. She was..." She paused, trying desperately to hold herself together.

"She was a horrible person... who killed your father."

Another deep breath sufficed for the long pause between them.

"I'm so sorry Vaughn. Really I am."

Looking up at him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, she just stood there, not knowing what else to say.
 
 
 
vaughnincognito on March 17th, 2007 05:02 pm (UTC)
Vaughn had become well acquainted with the bottom of the bottle nights before when he thought it was Jack Bristow who killed his father. Now the coldhearted s.o.b. had become a war hero, and somebody to be pitied. Married to her for a decade... deceived all that time. Michael had no idea how the hell she did it. He knew that Jack Bristow was absolutely impossible to lie to or evade, the man brought intimidating to a whole new level. Removed, it had crossed his mind that Irena Derevko was really really damn good at what she did. Unless it was because of her that Jack became the way he did. A flood of resentment toward Derevko always came crashing down the second he thought of how many families she had destroyed, including her own, including Sydney's.

He had enough consideration for his liver, the CIA, and foremostly, Syd to throw himself into work instead of gin. Work was easier, draft as many countermissions and options possible, even go as far as doing other agent's work so they could go home. He didn't want to go home, to think about his father, Irina Derevko, Sydney, and the fact that Sydney's mother was Irina Derevko.

It bugged the shit out of him. He hated Sydney for being a living reminder of the woman who killed his father, hated himself for hating Sydney, and eventually ended up at Sydney was the only thing Irina Derevko ever did right. then, he decided to remove them altogether. Irina Derevko was just another spy they had taken down. She was dead, the past was the past. But that didn't mean that he had to face everything just yet, so at eight PM, he was alone, typing out a debrief, his eyes sore, but still working. When he got a call to meet Syd at the self storage facility, her voice wavering with emotion as she fought to get it under control, he sped over in record time. He hadn't even begun to comprehend what it meant for her.

Vaughn said nothing as he opened the cage door for her, deciding she could say what she needed to on her own time. He only wanted to comfort her, wrap her in his arms and whisper it would all be okay. However, he knew that as hard as it was for him, it had to be one hundred times harder for her.

His eyes never left her tearstained face the entire time she had spoken. His heartstrings tore, watching her attempt to keep the betrayal and hurt out of her voice. So much of her identity had just been ripped out of her. A lump in his throat grew as her eyes grew progressively waterier.

And then she brought up his father, bringing it back to him and the heartache intensified. He couldn't believe she was apologizing to him. That was incredibly Sydney, taking on the guilt that wasn't hers to bear. Hell, she was even fighting SD-6 out of guilt. But she never had to apologize to him for what her mother did.

As the tears threatened to fall, he quickly crossed the distance between them and wrapped his arms securely around her. One arm on her back, the other reached for her head, cradling it softly. Rubbing comfroting circles on her back slowly, he whispered.

"Syd, never apologize for what she did." He whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion. Seeing Sydney so defenseless, open, broke all of his defenses. He felt the tears permeate his shirt as he hugged her tightly.
sydney a. bristow: almukkaundercover_syd on March 17th, 2007 11:12 pm (UTC)
His words rang in her ears, echoing in the silence that was the only thing around them.

Syd, never apologize for what she did.

Sydney wanted to look at him, but for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to do so.

"I don't know. In some way, I feel like I should." she said against his shirt, already stained with her tears.

Hugging him even tighter, she wrapped her arms around his back, never wanting to let go.

Finally.

She felt safe. Safe in a certian sense. At that moment, she felt that nothing could get to her, no harm could come to her as long as she was in his arms.

Against her own will, not wanting to cross the line they so desperately couldn't cross again, she pulled away. Slowly looking up at him, she sighed, looking at his shirt.

"Oh gosh. I'm sorry." she gestured to it, a small smile coming across her lips. She knew he didn't care. She 'loved' that he didn't care.

Their eyes met and once again, she was paralyzed by how beautiful they were. How whenever she looked at him, she was at a loss for words. Of course, she never told him that, she couldn't. That 'definitely' wouldn't be professional.

Fucking professionalism.





vaughnincognito on March 18th, 2007 12:25 am (UTC)
"I don't know. In some way, I feel like I should."

Vaughn chose not to dignify her with a response, she already knew it. His blame on Sydney lasted all of two minutes before he spent two hours blaming himself for blaming her.

The silence, for once, did not hang heavily as her sobs abated in his embrace. Her arms tightened around him, and he touched his lips to the top of her head.

Sadly, he slowly relinquished her as she began to pull away.

"Oh gosh. I'm sorry." Syd gestured to his shirt. He looked at her as if she was insane.

"Do you seriously expect me to care? Stop apologizing." Vaughn looked her in the eye, sucked into the watery brown. "No one expects you to be indestructible, to never cry. Those who do- they're fucking idiots." Vaughn gave her a reassuring smile, knowing he just called almost all of his superiors and the upper echelon of both the CIA and SD-6 fucking idiots. He didn't care. Just like he would buy however many shirts it took so Syd could always have his shoulder to cry on.

He tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear, caressing her temple before dropping his hand. "I'll always be here when you're sick of trying to be indestructable, Syd, remember that."
sydney a. bristow: _boppo_1undercover_syd on March 18th, 2007 01:13 am (UTC)
Do you seriously expect me to care? Stop apologizing.

Smiling, she looked down, her cheeks getting that well known color of pink.

A few moments passed, their arms still wrapped around each other.

No one expects you to be indestructible, to never cry. Those who do- they're fucking idiots.

Laughing suddenly, Sydney finally broke the awkward silence between them after what was said.

"You do know that you just called about every single one of your superiors fucking idiots."

Her face remained composed, although she was dying trying to keep her laughter inside.

I'll always be here when you're sick of trying to be indestructable, Syd, remember that.

Those words. Oh my god, he was amazing. She was completely blown away at how freaking amazing he was.

Umm.. Oh yeah, back to what he said.

She smiled at him, almost tearing up again, just because that's how much it meant to her.

Nodding, she was trying to find the right words to say.

"And that means more than you'll ever know."

She almost stopped herself from her next action, but at the last second, she decided against it. Who the fuck cares. She didn't, well at this point anyway.

Slowly but surely, her lips moved closer to his, finally leaving the softest kiss. At that moment, Sydney wasn't really thinking too much about how he would react, or if he even cared, she just felt she needed to do it. To try to show some of her appreciation that was just too deep for words.

vaughnincognito on March 18th, 2007 01:39 am (UTC)
{ooc: Okay, everybody- insert awwwwww here}

"You do know that you just called about every single one of your superiors fucking idiots."

Vaughn smiled. "Yeah, pretty much, someone had to say it. Just make sure you have them strapped to a gurney before you say it to their face." He quipped, before the mood turned more somber.

And that means more than you'll ever know.

At that moment, he knew she was completely sincere, her unnecessary gratitude shining in her eyes. He looked down, a bit bashful, the words weren't rhetoric, he honestly meant every word that had slipped through his lips.

And then she was coming towards him. Somewhere, it registered he should stop her, or at least turn his head, but he didn't. And suddenly, the soft sensation of her lips on his overtook him for the moment. His eyes closed as he reached up to cradle her head. He moved his lips against hers slightly, before realizing the situation surrounding them. Quickly, he broke it.

Leaning his forehead against hers, they reamined silent until he finally found the words. "Syd, I'm always here for you, but I can't be your escape from reality. Not at what it will cost us." No, they would have to deal with this one the hard way.

Not willing to sever the connection all together, he wrapped his arms around her in a comfortable hug, moving her head into the crook of his neck again. Friends, a handler looking out for his asset, that was all that their situation allowed. And that was already pushing it.
sydney a. bristowundercover_syd on March 18th, 2007 02:33 am (UTC)
{ooc: lol. i try ;)}

Even after their little moment of 'happiness', his next words caught her off guard, suddenly making her feel incredibly guilty for her previous action.

Taking a deep breath, she spoke.

"I hope that's not what you think you are to me. An escape. I mean, being with you... like this.. it helps." Pausing, she looked up at him, removing the warmth of his forehead against hers for the time being.

"But that's not what this is. Trust me. If I've learned anything from what we do, reality is the one thing we can't escape. No matter what we do."

Her voice was soft, but meaningful. It almost made her hurt inside to think that up until this point, he might have thought that's what this was.

No expression came across her face, the seriousness of her words still standing around them.

The next thing she knew, though, he had pulled her into another comforting embrace.

Sighing contently, Sydney responded by placing her head back to its previous position near his neck, never wanting to move again.

Was it bad that she wanted to stay like this forever? In his arms? Safe. Where no one could ever hurt her again. She didn't think so. As long as she controlled herself around him..

Yeah, like that would work. Who was she kidding?



vaughnincognito on March 18th, 2007 02:46 am (UTC)
Vaughn's eyebrows furrowed at her heavy words. Why did so much shit happen to them? He must have really done somehting to really piss off a higher power somewhere down the line. He felt a bit like Odysseus, actually.

"Wise words, Sydney." Vaughn consented. After taking a beat, he spoke again. "I know that I'm not an escape. Trust me, I know you could pick up any guy you want, far less dangerous than me for escape. I'm just saying that don't forget everything we do has emotional ramnifications, ones that may very well manifest themselves in physical danger." He mentally slapped himself, they both already knew that. He was wonderig exactly who he was trying to convince.

"Syd, I wanna be here for you, more than anything." Vaughn's fingertips unconsciously played with a strand of her hair. "But we're hardly in a reasonably mindset. You know Barnett would have a field day with this. Don't get me wrong though, it's nice to be appreciated."

He smiled into her hair. He would never cease to be amazed at her resilience.
sydney a. bristowundercover_syd on March 18th, 2007 03:00 am (UTC)
Syd, I wanna be here for you, more than anything. But we're hardly in a reasonably mindset. You know Barnett would have a field day with this. Don't get me wrong though, it's nice to be appreciated.

Smiling, she shook her head before looking at him again.

"Oh, I know she would."

She said this, a small smirk coming onto her lips as she did so.

"I know what you mean, though. And I agree. But I can't keep doing this. Pretending I don't care about you in the way that you know I do."

Oops.

She wanted to stop herself, but the words were already out and spoken.

Shit.





vaughnincognito on March 18th, 2007 03:14 am (UTC)
Vaughn broke their embrace and took a step back. She had taken him by surprise- he thought that they had come to an unspoken agreement that they both acted professionally and kept it all inside. He was not going to be the guy that snuck around for quick bouts of warehouse sex.

"Sydney..." Vaughn trailed off, his green eyes piercing her brown ones. "I hate to put it so bluntly, but you're going to have to. We'll have our someday, but it's not now. You pretend to Arvin Sloane every day. The day you're done pretending to him is the day we get to stop pretending." His little piece of rhetoric fell into silence.

Suddenly, his voice fell an octave as it became edged with desperation. "Syd, listen to me, please." He took her wrist with his fingers. "I can only hold out for so long after you stop pretending. If we both unihibit ourselves, where will that leave us?"

The unspoken answer to the rhetorical question was plain and simple- dead or completely fed up with each other sooner or later. Cloak and dagger wasn't fun when it involved his actual emotions, but he was just about ready to risk it all just to taste her pouting lips.
sydney a. bristow: spoonboxundercover_syd on March 18th, 2007 03:34 am (UTC)
She could almost sense what he was about to say next, his face suddenly changing in front of her as he backed away.

Sydney..I hate to put it so bluntly, but you're going to have to. We'll have our someday, but it's not now. You pretend to Arvin Sloane every day. The day you're done pretending to him is the day we get to stop pretending.

She sighed, looking down, ashamed that she had even said anything.

"Vaughn, I know. I'm sorry I said anything. Believe me, I'm an expert at pretending, but this one? It's killing me. Most times when we're alone, all I want to do is kiss you."

Goddamnit. Another thing she shouldn't have said. She mentally slapped herself before continuing.

"Ugh. Sorry." she said, a small laugh coming out as well.

Syd, listen to me, please. I can only hold out for so long after you stop pretending. If we both unihibit ourselves, where will that leave us?

She knew his question required no answer, and she wasn't even sure of what she would say if she answered it.

Nodding, she crossed her arms, looking at him.

They had definitely crossed that line here tonight.
vaughnincognito on March 18th, 2007 03:56 am (UTC)
His eyebrows flew up. Too bad he wanted to kiss her whether they were alone or not, highly dangerous. If any of superiors found out about that, he would be out of a job before he could blink.

He chose not to respond, afraid that he'd say something stupid and out of line, not that they could go much further over the line emotionally.

His thoughts jumbled inside his head, crashing into another in an infernal whirlwind. Attraction, anger, respect, sadness all banged up against each other. He was getting a headache as his brows furrowed.

"Don't apologize." He reiterated. "But you need your rest, Syd. We both know that this news is a goddamn migraine waiting to happen." He wasn't sure what he meant- Irina or their relationship.

Impulsively, he planted a soft kiss on her cheek. "Bonne nuit," he whispered, a hint of his native french slipping through.
sydney a. bristowundercover_syd on March 18th, 2007 04:10 am (UTC)
His reiterated words stopped her from continuing to say anything else.

All that was given this time was an authentic Sydney Bristow smile.

But you need your rest, Syd. We both know that this news is a goddamn migraine waiting to happen.

She laughed, looking down at the floor, then back up at him.

"Oh, I already have one. Right now, tylenol is my new best friend."

Smiling again, she noted his french. Also, the soft placement of the kiss on her cheek, that she could still feel, by the way.

"Merci. Bonne Nuit aussi." she responded in her best french accent.

Her words seemed to echo around them, their gazes being exchanged once again before they parted their separate ways.

((new post now? heh))